Big LFL 1/3 Power Poll

This is the first and will probably be the last Big LFL’s Power Poll. In tribute to one of the best bands of the past few years Against Me, I have ranked all of the LFL’s teams with applicable lyrics from Tom Gabel and the boys. I would give Rob’s first born to see these guys live, but I live in the country where live music died.



1. Burning Balls (3-1) - Up the Cuts from New Wave

Is there anyone thinking what I am?
Is there any other alternative?

Are you restless like me?

The Balls are the best damn team in the LFL. This team has a ton of heart unlike their owner who has a heart pumping gravy. Balls owner Robbie G. is restless for a title as he has come up empty year after year in league after league. The Balls are off to a great start and will be tough to beat. Brady has been huge and the rest of his malcontents have come to play. Injuries may derail this Cinderella as Laverne Jordan and Briana Westbrook look hurt again.

2. Seattle Raniers (1-3) - Borne on the FM Waves of the Heart from New Wave

Anxiety, Anxiety you give me no mercy.
Grind my teeth smooth and flat in my sleep.
We took some pills to calm us down.
Then we needed help to come back up.
Just trying to stay in control of the situation.

The Raniers are off too a rough start but Grant Canning will have them turned around lickity split. Most teams would be devastated with the loss of the Deuce and Steven Jackson but Grant has no anxiety. He looks in the mirror every morning and says “I ‘m Grant Canning, dammit!” He does still have Vince Young and Willie Parker and should be able to exploit the meager waiver wire if and when he decides to dump the Deuce. I guess he still sees the Deuce as a keeper coming off multiple serious knee injuries.

3. Newcastle Guzzlers (3-1) - Stop! from New Wave

All of our lives in waiting.
All of our lives traded for their roses and applause.
All of our lives dedicated to shoving it right back in their fucking face.

The Guzzlers are near the top of the league and their LTD has been in neutral. The Guzzlers can make the title again once LTD starts rolling and he will. Brett Favre has been great even if I am tired of the written hand jobs by football sports writers. Yes he plays with emotion and verve but who gives a fuck he is a pill poppin’ hillbilly from Mississippi. The rest of his team is suspect but I’ve learned that Scotty can turn shit into manure.

4. Gerry Datillios (3-1) - Thrash Unreal (New Wave)

They don’t know nothing about redemption.
They don’t know nothing about recovery.

After a down year in 06 Craig Coughlin is looking for redemption in 07. The Gerry’s look solid despite not having much of a running game. Peyton and Plaxico have been unstoppable and have carried the team. Now that he appears to have cobbled together a decent running game he will be tough to beat. With the Cadillac finished Pittman may be a steal for the GDs.



5. Milhaven Mutiny (3-1) - White People for Peace from New Wave

Protest Songs in a response to Military Aggression.
Protest songs to try and stop the soldier's gun.
But the battle raged on......

Mutiny owner Raven Nauman has responded to the constant barbs of armchair pundits with wins. He has also been actively trash talking with the goal of being the most hated owner in the Big LFL. Milfhaven does look tough with Palmer and Barber leading the way. He also loves his two Jones backfield and their combined 31 points. He will need Harrison and Shockey to start getting some points to guarantee a playoff spot.

6. Ez Money Steelers (2-2) - Cliché Guevara from As the Eternal Cowboy

And we'll keep ourselves in a place where it's easy to hold onto.
And as the last threats came and went; this is the way that wars are played.
Always heading for a front, heading for a front, headed we go.
Into the obscurity of an easy to pass on feeling. Objection is so cliché.

The Steelers should be ranked higher but they have had their backs against the wall all season. They have had trouble matching Shane’s enormous expectations. Moss is the comeback player of the year hooked to the rejuvenation machine. Peterson and Edwards have tremendous upside potential. River may be the only chink in the Ez Money lineup but this team appears to be money in the bank.

7. Weekend at Benoit’s (3-1) - New Wave from New Wave

We can control the medium.
We can control the context of presentation.
Is there anybody on the receiving end?
Reaching out for some kind of connection.

WAB has overachieved thus far in the LFL. This season is eerily similar to 2005 when Big Ell got off to decent start only to end up out of the playoffs. Owner Big Ell must be ecstatic with the pick up of Travis Henry’s positive test and MJD’s zero TDs. He also must be over the moon with the production of Lawrence ‘Belichik hates Big Ell,’ Maroney. At least he has Jon Kitna, Shaun McDonald, Bobby Engram and Sammy Morris. Things couldn’t be better in Taiping.

8. Mean Machines (2-2) - Mediocrity Gets You Pears (The Shaker) from Searching for a New Clarity

Foul play! There's a target on the audience.
Vampires! We're only in it for the money.
Dilute! We took the movement to the market.
So Fuck Us! We totally sold out the scene.
Excite me! excite me! Nothing really excites me, there's no connection at all.

I don’t know what to make of the Machines. They look okay on paper with Gates and two great rookie WRs. But the rest of the team looks mediocre hige weeks followed by terrible weeks. Benson, Foster and Lewis epitomize this team will some great weeks from time to time but scare no one. This team could end up at the top or in the Chuck Noll Bowl.

9. Holy Rollers (1-3) - Mutiny on the Electronic Bay from As the Eternal Cowboy

it's an into the sunrise aesthetic, let's pretend this is an informed consent.
that class division doesn't make an infantry,
there is no incentive, no franchise opportunities.

The Holy Rollers are much like their owner. Written off like Barbaro, the Rollers are fighting back. It appeared that Jay had no incentive to participate but Tony the Homo is on fire and LJ will find his way. Lynch has been good but the four headed combo of Furrey, Branch, Currey and Brown is god awful. The team’s aesthetic may be ugly but there is beauty hidden.

10. Fightin Phins (2-2) - Miami (Searching for a New Clarity)

We charge into danger. No guarantees or safe places.
No one can be trusted, everyone is a suspect.
All the money's worthless. The talent is trite and exaggerated.
The food is turning, the water is poison.

Actually the Phins have some nice talent and now that Ronnie Brown is rejuvenated he may make some noise in the next 1/3 of the season. Rudi Johnson gets points when healthy and Holmes looks like a stud. I am just not sold on the rest of the guys especially Cutler and his receivers. Brandon Jacobs could make or break the Phins season.

11. Insane Clown Posse (1-3) - T.S.R. (This Shit Rules) from As the Eternal Cowboy

I start realizing all this living is just dying and if these are my friends,
if this is my home, if this is how i spend my nights,
how I communicate, and demonstrate a love of life.
My eyes roll into the back of my head, if these are the last words that I've ever said.
No I'm not ready to die just yet.

I may be performing last rites a bit early on the Insane Clown Posse but I think they are in trouble. Big Ben, the Ocho and Steve Smith may well lead this team into the Noll Bowl. I do believe that this team has too many holes at RB behind Gore. Cadillac Williams hurt the Posse but maybe just maybe Brad can turn it around.

12. Ricky Williams’ (1-3) Those Anarcho Punks Are Mysterious… from Reinventing Axel Rose

there is the elite and the dispossessed.
it's only about survival.
who has the skill to play the game for what it's worth,
and reach an obscure kind of perfection.

Stu is truly the dispossessed of the Big LFL. His QBs invariably implode and one of his backs blows out a knee or is arrested. The Williams’ have talent but are and Addai injury from thirteenth place. Drew Brees needs to get positive points for Ricky to have a shot at the playoffs.

13. Rapid City Rage (1-3) - How Low from Searching for a New Clarity

Need to dry out, take some time to clear my mind.
Before I know it here I am again, 2 o'clock in the morning.
Standing in a bar with a drink in hand. How low can you go before you can't turn around?
Seriously this is my last and final time, I'm making some big changes in my life.

The Rage were pretty cocky (trashing the Steelers) before the season began and have been paid back by the football gods. Bugler has been terrible but Shaub may help fix the season. The RBs are still atrocious and he will need Bush to live up to his potential. Big changes are needed in Rapid City.

14. Hellcatpunks (1-3) - Even At Our Worst We’re Still Better Than Most (The Roller) from Searching for a New Clarity

You can have it all.
I ain't got the heart to fight.
I'm all used up.
Total exhaustion.
Complete breakdown.

Not much to say about the Hellcatpunks. I am not even sure if they have one keeper let alone four. A long year for Dwayne.

Big LFL Season Preview

Championship Caliber

These teams will try to be like my favorite Steelers Super Bowl team from 1978. Truth be told there ill never be a better NFL or LFL team than this Super Steelers team. This team went 14-2 losing at home by TD to Earl Campbell’s Oilers and by a FG to the Rams on the road. They made up for the Oilers loss by boot stomping them 34-5 in the playoffs. Then they beat the Cowboys 35-31 in the best Super Bowl ever played. There were 10 Pro Bowlers on this team: Mel Blount (db), Terry Bradshaw (qb), Joe Greene (dl), L.C. Greenwood (dl), Jack Ham (lb), Franco Harris (rb), Jack Lambert (lb), Donnie Shell (db), Lynn Swann (wr), Mike Webster (ol). It is easy to underestimate the greatness of this team but look at those names again and you will see pure greatness. Let’s see Peyton Manning try to score on this defence.

1. Seattle Tsunami 16-0

All the bottom feeders in the LFL only need to look at the Seattle Tsunami for inspiration. The defending champion went from perennial disappointment to champion because of the shrewd moves of owner Grant Canning. Rather than sit and whine he went out and made pre-draft moves to build his team. Now he looks like he is well set to defend his title and continue to do so for years to come. Grant Canning has become Bill Belichick incarnate. It will be interesting to see of he can do it without the cameras.

QB: Vince Young takes over the role of Mike Vick as the most unpredictable fantasy football player. He should do well this year and I think the Titans will be tough, good coach and a good QB. Sexy Rex is terrible but the Tsunami need him; for what, I don’t know. Jim Zorn is available and I heard Jim Krieg is making a comeback.

RB: The Tsunami have a three headed monster in Jackson, Deuce and Fast Willie. They should win weeks for Grant all by themselves. I especially love Parker who has the skills to win a rushing title. I also like Fat Lendale White to add some support. The Tsunami RBs can’t be beat, never fumble and should post 20 points each and every week.

WR: Santana Moss, Darrel Jackson and DJ Hackett will prove that the 2006 season wasn’t a fluke. All three of these guys have mad skills. Moss is a superstar and Jackson was too good for the Shithawks. Hackett will take his place and score huge points from Hasselbeck.

D: I love Ryans from Houston, he has a motor that just won’t quit! Much like my 72 Impala. The Tsunami defense may be the pick of the LFL litter. Another great year in store for the Tsunami.

2. The Newcastle Guzzlers

Scotty will be tough because of one man LTD. LTD makes the loss of Michael Vick and Yahoo picks easier to deal with. He should be able to help the Guzzlers make the playoffs and challenge for the title. He may need to make some waiver wire additions to help his team and that is not one of owner Scotty Shreiner’s strengths.

QB: Favre is old. The Packers are better. I am not sure which way to go with this. All I know is that Pennington is the backup and that spells trouble if Favre gets hurt. Strike that Favre never gets hurt he is just old.

RB: LTD. LTD, LTD, LTD, LTD and more LTD. I doubt he will be as good as he was in 2006 but Tomlinson always puts up huge numbers and 2007 should be no different. The problem with the Guzzlers is that Fred Taylor is the only other guy he has. Bye weeks may well spell doom for the Guzzlers.

WR: Holt is the fantasy version of a cold Pilsner. You always forget about his goodness but he always satisfies. Donald Driver is much the same kind of guy except he is more of a Labbat 50. Evans is the key to the Guzzlers as he needs him to turn into a Grolsch and avoid turning into a dozen Buds. I love Chris Cooley he is like a well the beer analogies are fucking old now much like Guzzler QB Favre.

D: T Guzzlers D is solid much like most teams in the LFL. I do love EJ Henderson as that was what I wanted as my nickname when I was kid but shithead stuck, fuckers.

3. Ricky Williams’

Brent Morrison has another potential championship team in 2007. He drafted well even though he didn’t make the draft. He pre-ranked with abandon and was helped by Jimmy the Greek’s granddaughter Sally the Stripper who works the coin-up strip booths in Times Square. Williams’ owner Brent Morrison has already started whining so winning can’t be far behind.

QB: Drew Brees has been a fantasy monster and all around good guy. He should put up huge numbers and hopefully prevent the Trent Green era. Trent Green is garbage and deserves to get a concussion every game. He stinks the Dolphins stink and everything he touches turns to shit; shit I tell you shit.

RB: I love Joseph Addai. He will put up super numbers in the high powered Indy offense. McGahee is also a great #2 back and should be much better than in Buffalo. The ageless Ahman Green needs to do his best Curtis Martin impression for the Williams’ to win the Chuck Noll Bowl.

WR: The Williams’ WRs might be the worst in the LFL. They have the potential to put up decent numbers but Clayton and Mason don’t have a QB. Galloway is good but I am not sold on Randle El; wait a minute he was a waiver wire pick up. I also like Watson but fear he may have also been picked up off the waiver wire.

D: The Williams’ have one of the best defenses in the LFL with six big point getters. I hope that Stu realizes that he can only start four of them.

Big LFL Season Preview

Playoff Contenders

These teams are much like the Pittsburgh Steelers circa 1976. The Steelers should have won the Super Bowl but were cheated by league officials in the AFC championship game. There were 9 pro-bowlers on this 10-4 team with the best defense in the game. The pro-bowlers were: : Mel Blount (db), Glen Edwards (db), Joe Greene (dl), L.C. Greenwood (dl), Jack Ham (lb), Franco Harris (rb), Jack Lambert (lb), J.T. Thomas (db), Mike Wagner (db). The Steel curtain was so tough they made the cover of Time unlike those bitch Ravens from a few years back who were on Police blotters. This team had two 1000 yard rushers and should have been the first three-peat Super Bowl winner.

4. The Rapid City Rage

Owner Pat Harrigan made the playoffs in their inaugural LFL season and should do the same in 2007. He drafted astutely taking over form an abysmal owner and has amassed some great young talent. He should be a contender for years to come and will hopefully post more trash in 2007. Just don’t ask him for any Kraft cheese slices or all hell will break loose. Now that two weeks have passed I have realized that I may have made a mistake with this ranking.

QB: Marc Bulger is a fantasy football superstar. He puts up excellent stats but his team usually doesn’t do well. He should do well this year and has Matt Shaub as a potential super sub. I think the Texans might be a super sleeper. Big Ell always picks his keepers two weeks in.

RB: Reggie Bush will make or break the Rage season. He has all the tools but may be only the third best RB in his draft year. The problem with the Rage is a serious lack of depth. Only the Dattilios have weaker backup RBs. DeAngelo Williams is in a platoon and Anthony Thomas is well Anthony Thomas. He will need to try and find someone on the waiver wire for bye week troubles.

WR: While the Rage RBs may be a bit underwhelming, the WRs are solid if not spectacular. Boldin and Wayne usually put up huge numbers and this may be the year Wayne becomes the ‘man,’ in Indy. I also like Coles and Henderson as well seasoned backups much like the Big man’s BBQ. Jason Whitten also comes to compete from time to time like most Cowboys.

D: I don’t like the Rage D that much. Davis and Ware are overrated and play on bad defenses. Winfield and Taylor are nice pickups but I hate Roy Williams, who makes big hits but also gets burned.

5. The Insane Clown Posse

Brad Flegel was screwed by the schedule makers in 2007. They put up big point totals every week and still missed the playoffs. This caused Brad to whine like Stu Craig, I am not sure as they are both big whiners. Or I should say that Craig was when he was still alive. I am predicting that the fantasy football gods will reward Brad in 2007. He will make the playoffs with the least amount of points. Call up Vegas and tell them Big Ell said so. Owner Brad Flegel always works hard but hasn’t been as lucky as he is in the LHL where he rules.

QB: I am not sold on Matt 'I screw hot chicks' Leinart as I feel he is better at nailing B grade starlets than WR’s. I do like Big Ben to bounce back and put up decent numbers. Brad just needs to start the right one every week which is easier said than done.

RB: I love Frank Gore and he should put up excellent numbers like he did in 07. I am not sold on his backups, Cadillac Williams and Ron Dayne. Of course Williams has more potential than Dayne but he always gets hurt and killed the Phins for years. Brad must be concerned about his backfield.

WR: While the posse has a troubled backfield they are loaded at wide out. Steve Smith and Chad Johnson are both top five receivers capable of big weeks. He also has the sleeper Vincent Jackson who should be good in San Diego. Dallas Clark is also decent and puts up nice numbers.

D: Uhrlacher and Lewis are big names who put up steady numbers at LB. I also like Polamalu and Bly but doubt they will be huge points producers. Stick a fork in Trotter he’s done.

6. EZ Money Steelers

Blind faith in aging bums has been the downfall of the once mighty Steelers franchise. It seems like only yesterday that three-time LFL champion Shane Forrer was causing fear among lesser LFL owners. The mystique began to fade when he gave the Tsunami Steven Stephen Jackson for a pack of condoms and a couple of Juggs magazines. With that said the Steelers may be able to squeeze into the playoffs if his trio of former superstars can relive past glories.

QB: Philip Rivers is the key for the Steelers. The Steelers could even contend if he is the real deal. I used to like Rivers until the Bears game when he scored minus points helping me end up at the bottom of my other league that is comprised of fucking morons.

RB: The Steelers look set again at RB. Adrian Peterson looks like a stud and Big Ell will wake up sweating for years if he out performs Maroney. I am not sure if there is a worse evaluator of talent in the LFL than Big Ell. Alexander looks to be back on a tough Shithawks squad and he will have three stud backs if Clinton Portis can stay healthy. Good times in EZville.

WR: Randy Moss is the big question mark for EZ Money, he has stunk it up for years but Shane’s patience may be rewarded now that he is playing with a real QB and coach again. I also like Braylon Edwards but the Browns suck and don’t have a viable QB. Drew Bennett is a scrub who will be waived at some point. Crumpler is in the same boat as Edwards so the WR/TE position for the Steelers is a concern.

D: Shane collects defensive players like Stu collects pre-pubescent boys. Why the need for seven players when only four can start? They all are good players but so what you will always leave points on the table and drive yourself freaking crazy trying to decide who to start.

7. Gerry Dattilios

Craig Couglin appears to have lost his touch in Big Ell fantasy sports. He used to be a contender in every league and now he is a pretender. Sources say he reads too many novels when he should be scouring the waiver wire. Or maybe he has a life. One needs to only look at Shane Forrer who scours the waiver wire for hours but has only one book in his bookcase, “Why do I have two Daddys?” You must be thinking, what is your point, and like always I don’t have one. The Dattilio’s missed the playoffs for the first time in a long time in 2006. With some luck he should be back in the playoffs in 2007. Any team with Manning should do well but he will need some other guys to step up in a big way.

QB: Craig thinks Peyton Manning is the greatest QB of all time. He sure looked that way last Thursday. Wait a minute; this is supposed to be a Season Preview. Strike that from memory. Peyton Manning got lucky last season and faces a long season after getting pounded into the Indy turf by the Saints who are a shoe in for the title. Everyone is hoping for a major injury so the JP Losman era can begin in Montreal.

RB: Edgerrin James holds the key to the GD season. I thought Chester Taylor may be an effective backup but that doesn’t look likely now with Adrian Peterson running like crazy. Note to self, kill Shane. Get ready for the James-Arrington power tandem, Russ Grimm better make miracles for Craig.

WR: Craig has three excellent WRs who should put up nice numbers all season long. TJ is always underrated and you get the feeling that Fitzgerald is ready to have a monster season. I hate Burress but he looks like he will have a great season on the pass happy Giants. Kellen Winslow needs to finally live up to the hype or give it up so as to not damage his old man’s name any longer.

D: Craig has three DBs and they all look like they can put up numbers. The problem is that LBs are usually better bets week to week.

LFL Season Preview

Playoff Pretenders

Every Big LFL owner knows that you need luck to go to the Chuck Noll Bowl. This group of teams is solid but will need lady luck on their side to push through into the playoffs.

The teams in this group most resemble the 1991 Pittsburgh Steelers who finished 7-9 and 2nd in the AFC Central. This Steeler team like teams in this group had talent like the two pro bowlers Rod Woodson and Greg Lloyd who is pictured for guys like Pat Harrigan who have no clue about the glory of the black and gold. This team was loaded on defense with Thomas Everett, Hardy Nickerson and Carnell Lake joining the pro bowlers. It was also the beginning of the Neil O-Donnell era and the RB tandem of Barry Foster Forrer and Merril Hoge were also involved. The WRs were lep by Stone and Lipps and saw Eric Green emerging as a star. Sadly this was the end of the Chuck Noll era and the start of the Bill Cowher era. By the way he deserves to be drown in the Allegheny river if he goes to Cleveland.

8. The Mean Machines

The Machines have relocated to Ontario and hope to bring their winning ways to Canada. Owner Ryan Davidson has a good team and will need a little luck to make it back into the playoffs. He works the waiver wire harder than most and should be back in the hunt in 2007. I have to admit that I had these guys ranked higher but the McNabb week 1 shitburger changed my mind.

QB: The Eagles need to sign Leftwich and then he and McNabb can race on their surgically repaired knees. It would be like me and Rob only that we were both linemen. I am thinking that we could beat them both at this point. Big Ell has surprising speed when drugs or alcohol are involved, Rob prefers GILF's. Machines owner Ryan Davidson is hoping that McNabb can come back and lead his team back to the playoffs. He has Delhomme and may need him to turn back the clock to 2005 and have a big year unlike last year when he destroyed Big Ell’s season in a shit storm.

RB: Cedric Benson should have a decent season replacing Thomas. The Machines have kept Benson for years and need the former Longhorn to put up a big year after jettisoning Drew and Henry. Jamal Lewis is done. He may have had some valuable but the Browns stink just ask Droughns. That is about it for the Machines which isn't a good sign for Ryan.

WR: The Machines have nice WRs. Johnson should buck the trend of terrible Lions WRs and put up big numbers. I am not so sold on Stallworth or Kennison who I think is older than my dad. I do think that Gates will have a monster year scoring huge points. He scores more than Stu at Scout Jamboree.

D: The Machines have a great defense and should score big points. Merriman is a stud as are Phillips and Hope. I am not sold on Spikes as he always gets hurts but it shouldn’t really matter as there are always good guys on the waiver wire.

9. Milhaven Mutiny/Mutineers.

The Mutiny appeared to be on their way to LFL stardom but then owner Raven Nauman got in the way. Not protecting Maroney will come back to haunt the Mutiny for years to come. With Maroney he would have been a title contender and now he will need some luck just to make the playoffs. Raven needs luck to be a lady tonight. It should also be noted that Raven picked up two kickers for the seventh consecutive year. I’ve always said that you can’t have enough kickers to excel in fantasy football.

QB: Carson Palmer is an excellent fantasy player who can put up huge numbers. His knee is fully healed and now he just needs to get traded to a decent team to fulfill his potential. Mutiny favorite Steve McNair is also back for another year of incomplete passes and fumbles. God help the Mutiny if Palmer goes down again.

RB: Thomas Jones is the most underrated fantasy back. He puts up nice numbers every year and rarely gets hurt. People are scared because he was once a Cardinal but he is a good player. Unlike Julius Jones who sucks cock. Thomas Jones may even have a better year than Maroney but Raven will be kicking himself when Jones is retired selling Viagra in a few years while Maroney is going to Disneyland. I don’t know what to make of Barber III as I hate his guts after his TDs sank my team last year. Kevin Jones was a keeper for a few years but is coming off an injury. Not much depth in Milhaven this year.

WR: Marvin Harrison is as steady as a Ghurka carrying a back pack. Hines Ward should also bounce back giving the Mutiny two stud WRs. He also has some decent depth with Berrian and Isaac Bruce, who contrary to popular opinion is still alive. He also picked up Jeremy Shockey who is guaran-fucking-teed to have a monster year now that I dumped his milquetoast ass.

D: The Mutiny have several great defensive players; like almost every other team in this league. I need to add more d-players so we can see guys like of Warren Sapp back in fantasy football.

10. The Fightin’ Phins

The Phins always seem to draft well and then shoot themselves in the foot. Owner Ryan Robinson works the waiver wire like a crack whore looking for a fix. He could be in the title hunt if a couple of his young studs finally realize their talent but I say that every year. I think I had him in the playoffs last year, that will teach me.

QB: Jay Cutler crushed many fantasy fans when he took over form Jake Plummer last year. Who can forget the agony and ecstasy of owning Plummer. One week you get 25 points and then -5 the following week. The excitement is similar to stopping in a pinto at an icy intersection. Cutler should be solid but he is from Vandy and is a Bronco, so hopefully he can follow in the Snake’s footsteps.

RB: The Phins are solid at RB with Rudi Johnson. He always puts up good numbers and comes to play. The bigger question mark is the enigma that is Ronnie Brown. The Dolphins stink and Brown has never reached his potential. A rumor there is a RB platoon happening in Miami has RRR waking at night in a cold sweat. Brandon Jacobs could be a nice 3rd back but that is about it as he is a Giant and hopefully out for the season.

WR: Javon Walker, Chris Chambers and Santonio Holmes are a nice trio in this league. Holmes is a nice sleeper and Walker always does well. Chambers is also solid but the woeful Dolphins offense may hurt his production. I experienced Trent Green first hand only two years agao when he killed the 2005 season for me.

D: The Phins have a ton of upside on defense in the first year AJT (after Jason Taylor). He has awesome DBs in Taylor and Rhodes and two great names in Kamerion Wimbley and Kawika Mitchell so I guess big things should be expected.

LFL Season Preview

Playoff Dreamers

The Big LFL is the toughest fantasy football league of every fantasy football league int he world. All of the teams have talent and people usually draft well. This group of teams has talent but will need a lot of help and luck to make the playoffs.

The teams in this group most resemble the 1988 Pittsburgh Steelers. This Steelers team ended up 5-11 and had one pro bowler uber G Tunch Ilkin. This team was led by FB Merril Hoge (705 yds rushing 4.1 avg 3 tds 487 yds rec 3 tds) and Louis Lipps (50 rec 973 yds 19.5 avg 5 tds). Unfortunately for Steeler fans they also had Bubby Brister (47.3 pct 2634 yds 7.1 avg 11 tds 14 ints) and #2 receiver Dwight Stone (11 catches 196 yds 17.8 avg 1 td). This Steeler team also played with heavy hearts as Art Rooney died that year.So they have an excuse for their uncharacteristic disappointing season.

11. The Burning Balls

The Balls have talent but owner Rob G. may have done himself in by trying to multi-task during the draft. He is only able to multi task while surfing porn and watching porn. This team has talent and could make the playoffs but any team with three Raiders is doomed. Rob is also afraid of the waiver wire so he will have trouble bolstering his team. Rumor has it he is very busy molding minds which is much scarier than it sounds.

QB: Tom Brady will put up big numbers, he always does. He also takes after his coach and fathered an illegitimate child. Rob, it is 2:00 am do you know where all your kids are? He also managed to pick up Alex Smith who is a nice pick.

RB: The Balls have decided to go with a RB by committee approach in 2007. Westbrook is a player and he wisely picked up his handcuff Tony Hunt. He also managed to pick up Julius “I hate short yardage” Jones and Lamont “I done got paid” Jordan. He even managed to draft the wrong Adrian Peterson. The residents of Rosscarrock are rejoicing with Jim Jones as we speak.

WR: The Balls have a great WRs with TO and Roy Williams. He also picked up Jerry Porter who may actually play this year. Vernon Davis is also looking for a break out year. The Balls may need to pick up some other guys once Williams gets hurt, Owens goes nuts and Porter goes awol.

D: The Balls have a nice defense lead by Adrian Wilson, one of the top fantasy DBs. He also has Varbel, Woodson and Morrison to get much needed points. If someone sees Rob please ask him about has fascination with Marc Simoneau who is 30 and hasn’t had 100 tackles in four years.

12. Weekend at Benoit’s

The cripplers should be ranked higher but this franchise is run by Elliott Ulrich. There may be hope in 2007 with a strengthened team and he even appears to have some keepers. With a little luck he could move out of the shit house and into the playoffs but that probably won’t happen this team usually loses big and hopes for bad weeks by other teams in order to win.

QB: The QB position is a traditional weakness for any of Elliott’s teams. Trent Green, Jake Delhomme and David Carr have all been starting QBs over the past few years which explains the scars on Big Ell's wrists. This year shouldn’t be any different with Jon Kitna behind center. He throws tons of interceptions and is on a bad team; which is typical for Benoit.

RB: Weekend at Benoit’s has revamped their running game again. The Julius Jones era is over and Travis Henry and MJD look to score some points. The problem is that Henry is already hurt and he failed to get MJD’s handcuff Fred Taylor. Elliott also benefited by picking Maroney in the draft but he is also trying to get back after shoulder injuries. He also drafted Warrick Dunn not realizing that he was 33 and is coming off post season back surgery. Ell needs to get himself a bible and a weight room.

WR: Big Ell managed to add some terrible receivers to the perennial underachieving Andre Johnson. Terry Glenn is old and hurt much like Isaac Bruce was before and almost every one of his receivers in years past. Henderson may do well but is unproven and teammate Eric Johnson had a big 26 fantasy points last year. Owner Elliott was seen reaching for the rat poison.

D: The Big Ell D looks tough but most teams have tough defenses in the LFL. Briggs, Hawk, Tatupu, Farrior and Jones should all get some points but will it be enough for this never proud franchise.

13. The Holy Rollers

The Rollers are still smarting from Big Ell’s fuckups of 2006. Staying true to form owner Jay Unsworth decided to fuck himself in 2007. Keeping two QBs is riskier than licking toys made in China. It was tough to put the Rollers this low because they do have potential but his team is managed by Jay.

QB: Tony Romo and Matt Hasselbeck are both solid fantasy performers. They should put up decent numbers. The question is, why keep both of them? Why not roll the dice and draft one of them in the 10th or 11th round and try to trade for a real keeper? These are questions that never dawned on owner Jay Unswoth. Which is why he may end up near the cellar again.

RB: LJ keeps this team in the playoff hunt. He puts up huge numbers and is a fantasy beast. He should still produce even with his pre-season holdout. Jay must be worried that Herm Edwards will turn LJ into the 21st century version of Earl Campbell. The Rollers did look to the future by drafting Marshawn Lynch who may not have a huge year but should be great in the future. He also took a risk picking Turner so high but will be smiling if LTD gets hurt. Oh yeah and by the way Mike Anderson sucks but you can take his 20 fantasy points to the bank.

WR: Normally the Rollers like old receivers with zero upside. Now they are drafting possession guys with no wheels so change comes slow in Glenmorgan. Branch, Brown and Curry put the fear into no one except Jay. LJ Smith is a nice TE and gets decent points from time to time. With Brown and Smith, the Rollers hope Mcnabb is back.

D: Ronde Barber is a fantasy stud; unlike his twin Tiki the pussy. Jay also took a few gambles with Thomas Howard, Donte Whitner and Angelo Crowell. Gambling on 75% of your defense is never good. Call Jay and ask who these guys are because I nobody else does.

LFL Season Preview

The Cellar Dwellers

Here is the first Big LFL 07 Season preview. I hope to finish before the season begins in September. I have chosen different Steeler teams to help describe each category.

The 1969 Pittsburgh team was the worst Steelers team of the modern era. After beating the Lions to start the season they rolled off 13 straight losses to finish 1-13. They scored 218 (13 of 14) points while giving up 404 (14 of 14). Teams in this category resemble the 1969 team. They may have a few pro bowlers like Joe Green at DT and Joe Jefferson at WR. But unfortunately for these teams their rosters are filled with guys like RB Dick Hoak (531 yards, 3.5 avg and 2 tds) and QB Dick Shiner (46.4 pct 1422 yards 6.8 avg 7 tds 10 ints). The only hope is that they can luck out, like the Steelers, and land a future Hall of Famer like Terry Bradshaw in the draft.

14. The Giants:

The Giants have been in free fall since Tiki Barber announced his retirement and decided he wanted to be Bryant Gumbel. It is hard to believe that this franchise was in the Chuck Noll Bowl only two years ago. The Lamont Jordan debacle didn’t help and his cast of keepers would have trouble making the Ti-Cat roster. With some luck he may end up out of the basement but like Dwayne said “It is going to be a long season!”

QB: The Giants reluctantly brought back Eli Manning to pilot the ship. He has the potential to do much better but may struggle without Barber. Even though he would never admit it. It should be noted that he was selected after JaMarcus Russell, the unsigned backup QB of the terrible Raiders. I am not sure why Russell was picked as he will surely be available in the 11th-12th round in the 2008 draft.

RB: The Giants RB situation looked ghastly but some decent drafting improved the situation. Norwood and Droughns put the fear into no one. I would be higher on Norwood if Dunne was gone from Atlanta but he should put up decent numbers on a terrible team. Brandon Jackson and Tatum Bell are the keys for the Giants. Jackson the 2nd round pick out of Nebraska should play a lot and post good numbers. He could be the steal of the draft (Maroney) or a dud (Arrington). Tatum Bell has never really lived up to his potential but seems to be in a better situation in Detroit. Rob catches crabs better than he does balls so it remains to be seen how he fits into the Martz plan in Detroit. Ladell Betts should also do well once Clinton Portis gets hurts but another 1000 yard season may be a reach.

WR: The Giants are thin at WR. Colston will need to have another huge year in 2007 and will be the target of every teams shut down corner. Cotchery had a good year in 2006 and Randy McMichael will finally need to reach his potential.

D: The Ginats defense should be decent. He will need Kampmann to post 15 sacks again. Which may be difficult considering he only had 14 career sacks before his big year last year. He may end up like the old GB d lineman KGB on the missing person’s list. Karlos Dansby, Walt Harris and Terrel Suggs are all solid picks.

The Cost of Fantasy Football

Here is an article on the cost of fantasy football. They say the average players spends 5.2 hours a week playing. Well, I say this is conservative, Big Ell spends 5.2 hours a day and I always end up at the bottom of the league.

Potential Players

In an effort to help the lazy Big LFL owners I am listing some of the top players available for this weekend's draft according to Yahoo
.
Quarter Backs
Vince Young HOU #63, Jon Kitna DET #72, Philip Rivers SD #87, Jay Cutler DEN #95 and Matt Leinart AZ #100

Running Backs:
Laurence Maroney NE #8, Brandon Jacobs NYG #16, Marshawn Lynch [R] BUF #34, Cadillac Williams TB #38, Jamal Lewis CLE #43, Marion Barber DAL #48 , Ahman Green HOU #49, and Adrian Peterson MIN #50.

Wide Receivers
TJ Houszmandzadeh CIN #28, Roy Williams DET #33, Anquan Boldin AZ #40, Lee Evans BUF #41, Hines Ward #52, Plaxico Buress NYG #53 and Calvin Johnson DET #54,

Tight Ends
Todd Heap BAL #69, Tony Gonzales KC #70, Chris Cooley WASH #73, Jeremy Shockey NYG #74, Kellen Winslow CLE #77 and Vernon Davis SF #78.

Defensive Line/Line Backers
London Fletcher WASH, Jason Taylor MIA, Demarcus Ware DAL, Bart Scott BAL, Brian Uhrlacher CHI, Keith Morrison OAK, Adalius Thomas NE, James Farrior PIT, Will Witherspoon STL, AJ Hawk GB, Julian Peterson SF, Ray Lewis BAL and Lofa Tatupu SEA.

Defensive Backs
Champ Bailey DEN, Chris Hope TEN, Kerry Rhodes NYJ, Jermaine Philips TB, Charles Woodson GB, Sean Jones CLE, Walt Harris CHI and Brian Dawkins PHA.

Big LFL Keepers

Here is the list of Protected players for the 07 Big LFL Season, draft order and a little analysis on the side.

1st Weekend at Benoit's
RB T. Henry, RB M.J.Drew, WR A. Johnson, LB L. Briggs

• Weekend at Benoit's look to be much stronger after making deals for Henry and MJD. With the first pick they will add another stud to the team. The Cripplers look to the bible as inspiration to move from the outhouse to the penthouse.
  

2nd EZ MONEY Steelers
RB S. Alexander, RB C. Portis, WR R. Moss, LB K. Bulluck

• EZ Money looks good if they can stay healthy. Injuries decimated the Steelers in 2006 and they hope to bounce back. It will be another long year if Portis and Alexander get hurt again. Not protecting rising star Philip Rivers may also come back to haunt EZ MONEY.
  

3rd Fightin' Phins
RB R. Brown, RB R. Johnson, WR J. Walker, DB S. Taylor

• The Phins season rests on Cam Cameron and the Dolphins offense; this keeps owner RRR up all night with his bong. RRR really needs Brown to step up and gain 1400 yards with 10 TDs. This columnist was surprised when the Phins jettisoned Jason Taylor in favor of Sean Taylor.
  

4th Giants
RB J. Norwood, RB R. Droughns, WR M. Colston, DL A. Kampmann

• The Tiki Barber retirement set the Giants franchise back into expansion mode. He also rolled up a number when Warrick Dunn made a miraculous comeback from injury. He may just play out the season with the hopes of landing Darren Mcfadden next year.
  

5th Gerry Datillos
QB P. Manning, RB E. James, WR L. Fitzgerald, LB Z. Thomas

• The Datillios should be back to contending status if the Cardinals are improved. James is the key for a return to the playoffs for Coughlin. Let's hope that Craig makes the draft and doesn't mail in the season like he did in baseball which was very uncharacteristic.
  

6th Burning Balls (chosen by the commish)
QB T. Brady, RB B. Westbrook, WR T. Owens, DB A. Wilson

• Any team with Brady, Westbrook and Owens as the core should be a contender but we are talking about the Balls . Rob is normally at the bottom of Big Ell pools because he fails to participate and appears to be afraid of the waiver wire. Look for more sub-mediocrity from the Balls.
  

7th Insane Clown Posse
RB F. Gore, WR. C. Johnson (cin.), WR S. Smith, DB T. Polamalu

• The ICP look poised to rebound from a disappointing 2006 season. He should be solid with this quartet and will surely blame the schedule makers if things go awry. Brad always comes prepared and should be able to fill out his roster and get into the playoffs.
  

8th Holy Rollers
QB T. Romo, QB M. Hasselbeck, RB L. Johnson, DB R. Barber

• The Rollers will be solid with newly signed LJ but league analysts are puzzled as to why he kept two QBs. But when you look at his roster you realize that pickings were slim. This writer was expecting him to be the first LFL owner to keep a kicker, Neil Rackers. The Rollers roster is uglier than Bishop Carrol cheerleaders.
  

9th Rapid City Rage
QB M. Bulger, RB R. Bush, WR R. Wayne, LB A. Davis

• The Rage burst onto the scene last year and made the playoffs. Pat Harrigan used the luck of the Irish and Big Ell stupidity to steal Bush. Bush should be even better in 2007 and the Rage franchise is on the upswing. This panelist is hoping for more cutting posts by the surprisingly well spoken Harrigan.
  

10th Milhaven Mutiny
QB C. Palmer, RB T. Jones, WR M. Harrison, LB C. June

• The Mutiny should be tough in 2007 but would have been a title contender with Maroney on board. Owner Raven Naumann has been in these leagues long enough to know that 22 year old RBs on title contenders don't grow on trees. Big Ell is happier than Shane Forrer was when Jon Bon Jovi cut his hair.
  

11th Mean Machines
QB D. McNabb, RB C. Benson, TE A. Gates, LB S. Merriman

• The Machines rolled the dice with McNabb this year but should be able to field a playoff contender. Benson is the key and this scribe predicts a big season for the former Longhorn. He also has the best TE and the D player if he can manage to stay off the juice or keep himself cleaner than Rob G.
  

12th Ricky Williams'
QB D. Brees, RB J. Addai, RB W. McGahee, LB D. Edwards

• Stu has assembled the base for what should be another title contender. He has also further vindicated arch enemy Craig Coughlin by keeping Brees. This journalist looks forward to many post-draft comments from Stu proclaiming that his team is garbage.
  

13th Newcastle Guzzlers
RB L. Tomlinson, WR T. Holt, WR D. Driver, LB A. Pierce

• The Guzzlers look to win the title with LDT back. Also look for many PETA hypocrites in the stands supporting his decision to remove Vick from the payroll. Guzzler owner Scotty is the classiest owner in these leagues and this writer thinks he is due a football title.
  

14th Seattle Tsunami
RB S. Jackson, RB W. Parker, RB D. McAllister, LB D. Ryans

• The Tsunami look set to defend the title with their troika of great backs. Grant Canning finally got the respect of his peers with a title in 2006. He has a great chance of doing it again in 2007 if he can avoid bad drafting which normally dooms Canning in Big LFL leagues.
  

LFL Season Preview 3

Big Ell’s fearless Big LFL Predictions 2006 part 3.

Playoff Contenders

1. Gerry Dattilios (11-3)
Everybody hates Craig and Craig hates everybody but he is the champion so he has to be the favorite going into 2006. This writer does not believe his claims of NFL indifference. My source claims to see Craig waiting in line buying the TSN Fantasy football annual from the Kotel Hebrew Book & Gift Store every August. Another source places Craig at the Club Super Sex watching the Sunday Ticket while enjoying a steak sandwich from September to January.
QB: Any team with Peyton Manning will be in the title hunt. He should put up even more points this year without the Edge. He should put up even better numbers now that the Colts have scrubs in the backfield. The third best QB to never win a title is a fantasy stud.
RB: Edge James is on a Cards team without a decent o-line. That said he should still pile up points and maybe a few extra TDs. Rhodes could be the kind of steal that keeps Craig in title contention year in and year out or he will trade him to Brad for Steve Smith. Some think JJ Arrington is a project I say he is shite and third string at best.
WR: Larry Fitzgerald is great and should put up another big year even with Warner as his QB. Craig really thinks that Brees is going to light it up again with Horn as the recipient. He is also very happy that Stallworth went to pass happy Philly.
D: With the exception of Adaleus Thomas the GD d looks old. But they should be good enough to score enough points for the GD.

2. Hou Chang Giants (10-4)
The Giants were surprise finalists last year but there will be no surprise if they return to the Chuck Noll Bowl in 2006. Dwayne has assembled a top-notch team and benefited greatly from Big Ell’s moment of mental masturbation, the draft.
QB: Eli will make or break the Giants. He did well last year when he was rolling but hid the skids when he floundered. He should put up some decent numbers during the regular season with a great offence in New York.
RB: I though Tiki Barber was done last year. That is why I always finish near the bottom of this league. That said Brandon Jacobs will steal some TDs from Tiki and curse Dwayne. Lamont Jordan is good but should face 8 man fronts with Brooks running the show in Oaktown. The Giants have loaded up on no-name backups so Dwayne has little depth
WR: The Giants return with a shaky WR crew, Boldin is gone and Lloyd and Porter are duds. Jackson is always hurt so this is a weak Giants position. Luckily for the Giants the WR position is the easiest to fill on a fantasy football roster.
D: Dwayne has an established group of solid defenders led by Dansby and Vilma. He is also expecting a ton of sacks from Strahan and Coleman.

3. Taiwan Mean Machines (9-5)
The Mean Machines missed the draft but ended up with a very good team. Ryan is a tough competitor in the Big LFL and 2006 shouldn’t be any different. He should make the playoffs and another title is possible with a little luck.
QB: McNabb does well when he is healthy but the Machines lucked into Leftwich. When McNabb eventually gets hurt he will have a decent back-up. He has one of the better tandems in the LFL. Ryan will need to pick the right one every week to make the playoffs.
RB: The Machines have many question marks at RB in the LFL. Benson is 2nd string and M. Bell may be the second best Bell on is team. His season may be saved when DeShaun Foster eventually goes down and the DeAngelo Williams era begins.
WR: What was a major weakness in 2005 may be the strength for the Machines in 2006. Boldin is a great player when he is healthy. TE Gates is th best in the business but may suffer a bit of a hit with Rivers at QB. Jones is a major sleeper who should blossom and Lelie may finally be the WR Vick is looking for or an overpaid diva. McCardell and Bruce will need to avoid father time for the Machines to roll.
D: The Machines D is weaker than Rob’s left knee. Trotter is the only stud on this team. The pick-up of Rodney Harrison could be the key for the Machines defense.

4. The Fightin’ Phins (9-5)
Ryan R. is a tough competitor in LFL leagues. In between bong sessions he manages to build decent teams. He took the knives out of the oven long enough to draft a playoff contending team. Ryan R. is a master of cloak and dagger activity evidenced by last season’s skullduggery. The fantasy gods will pay him back this year with plenty of torn ACLs and MCLs.
Offence:
QB: Ryan has decided that QB is not important this year by keeping the Card’s QB tandem. You will learn soon the wrath of Warner. He will win a few games and kill you in a few games. Good times for the Phins this year
RB: The Phins have a wealth of talent at the RB position. Rudi Johnson’s new Fu Manchu mustache makes a 1500 yard season a certainty. Ronnie Brown and the Caddilac will continue to develop. The key is Warrick Dunn who never gets old and always puts up a myriad of points.
WR: The Phins have solid WRs. Moulds, Mason and Walker all could have decent years. On the other hand, Carr, McNair and Plummer are passing to them. It looks like feast or famine for the Phins this year. The Phins have a wildcard in Vernon Davis. He could end up as a huge point producer from the TE position.
Defense:
The Phin defense is loaded with point makers. The Taylors, Witherspoon, Tatupu and Spikes put up good numbers week in and weak out.

5. EZ Money Steelers (9-5)
The Steelers were the traditional powers of the Big LFL winning early and often. The Steelers dominance wanes with every draft and culminated with a boot stomping by the Balls in last season’s playoffs. He should still make the playoffs but 1 and out is the likely result. Shane’s love of troublemakers and malcontents may have doomed this once proud franchise to Flegel-like mediocrity. Just mediocrity, baby
QB: Shane bringing back Trent Green harkens back to a more innocent time with the Steelers. When they were a threat to win the league and had multiple major players. I am not sure whom Shane actually drafted but the Philip Rivers era has officially started for Shane. God help us all if ends up like Dan Fouts I am praying for Ryan Leaf. I heard that EZ Money favorite Brooks is still available.
RB: Shawn Alexander is a stud and will have another great year. He willed the Steelers into the playoffs himself last year. Does he have another 30 TD season in him this year? I don’t think so. Clinton Portis should have an even better year once he gets healthy; piling up yards and hopefully for Shane more TDs. Jamal Lewis could eb the steal of the draft if he can stay away from the buffet line and out of jail.
WR: The WR position is a major weakness for EZ Money. Moss has talent but he does not have a QB. Williamson and Clayton are young and he will need one of them to come up big. Winslow could be the key for EZ Money is he stays off his motorbike and keeps catching TD balls.
D: It looks like EZ Money has the best D in the league. Polamalu, Reed and Bullock never disappoint. If Ray Lewis is back and can stay healthy, it could be a long year for the rest of the league.

6. Rapid City Rage (8-6)
Newcomer Pat ‘Luck of the Irish,’ Harrigan benefited the most from dimwitted Big Ell’s draft day blunder. He didn’t even attend the draft and EZ MONEY may have picked a contender for him. Getting Bush makes the newcomer Rage a contender for years to come. Word on the street is that Pat paid for Bush’s whores in college; if true he will be removed from the rage roster and re-enter the draft next year.
QB: The Rage has a decent fantasy QB in Matt Bulger. He needs to stay healthy and avoid the post Mike Martz letdown that plagues fantasy QBs who stop throwing every down and actually hand off to their stud backs. Pat is in big trouble if Brad Johnson is running the show for most of the year.
RB: Pat has his RB of the future in Reggie Bush who will end up being a fantasy stud for years to come. Foster has a ton of potential but his ankles are eerily reminiscent of Pat’s. Both should have drunk more milk as children. If Ahman Gado can play well we could see the Rage in the playoffs.
WR: The Rage appears set at WR with Reggie Wayne and Chris Chambers. Throw in Lavern Coles and LJ Smith and the Rage have the best depth in the league.
D: The Rapid City D is filled with solid point getters. Fletcher, Thomas, Farrior and Davis are usually good for 8-9 points a gamee. They are also quite fond of Granny’s G Spot, which makes Pat happy.

LFL Season Preview 2

Here is part 2 of the Big LFL 2006 Season Preview.

7. I Love Bush (7-7)
Brad was bitter about his fucking draft position. To get revenge he decided to draft a fucking average team. With some more luck, he should make the playoffs but he’ll end up getting fucked. Although this writer was pleased to know that, he really loves Pussy, Reggie and Barbara’s Bush.
RB: It was a great idea for I love Bush to keep Kevin Jones he has potential. His upside is 500 yards and double digit fumbles. The moral of the story is, never draft a RB on a team with Mike Martz as his offensive coordinator. Apart from the ongoing Jones debacle Brad did well picking up Taylor and Gore. Big Ell will rue the day he didn’t keep Taylor after listening to Stu disparage him. Frank Gore should score big points for Bush all year long.
WR: Steve Smith is a stud but this is an even numbered year so may be hurt all year. If he is absent, Chad Johnson should make up for the absence with another huge year. Wilford has been looking to break out for a while too. Taking Branch was a gamble, but he should end up in Seattle, you read it here first.
D: The I love Bush Defense is looser than a homeless Calgarian after a winter cold spell. Peterson is a good but he will need the others to step.

8. Newcastle Guzzlers (6-8)
Scotty would have been set because of stupid Big Ell’s draft fuck up. In typical Big Ell fashion, he still managed to screw the Guzzlers by not keeping Pierce for him. This prevented Newcastle from picking up Reggie Bush.
QB: Roger Vick again proves that Scott is a glutten for punishment. Maybe this is the year he becomes more consistent. Vick needs to stay healthy as Brett Favre looks to head a terrible Packers team this year.
RB: LT, LT, LT has been killing me for years in fantast football. He should be the top point getter in fantasy in 2006. Tomlinson better not get hurt because the bench is bare with Brown and Alstott.
WR: The Guzzlers look to have some decent fantasy potential at WR. Holt is a fantasy workhorse capable of big numbers in St. Louis. Driver is an excellent secondary WR and expect vetarans like Galloway and Toomer to contribute. Witten rounds out the receiving core.
D: Pierce and Burgess lead the D and have the ability to put up some nice numbers. The Guzzlers can expect some decent numbers on defence.


9. Milhaven Mutineers (5-9)
The Mutineers lost out on Bush because of boneheaded Big Ell but may have a slightly better than normal team this year. He found some depth at WR and RB for his team. Moreover, he can whine about how he was fucked, but he won’t, he’s not from Calgary which is a pre-requisite for bitching and moaning in Big L leagues.
QB: The Mutineers should finally win some games this year if Carson Palmer is truly healthy. He put up monster yards last year and looks set to be a fantasy stud for years to come. It may take Palmer a few games but multiple 20 and 30 point weeks are coming. McNair is a solid backup but he also has trouble staying healthy.
RB: This position has been the downfall for Milhaven in recent years. Getting Bush sure would have been great. Getting Maroney from NE may end up being the steal of the draft especially if he gets the starting position. Thomas Jones is in the opposite situation trying to fend off Benson in Chicago but he should still have a good year. Milhaven will score points from the backfield unlike in past years.
WR: With no backfield in Indy, Harrison should put up enormous numbers this season. If one of Keyshawn Johnson, Eddie Kennison or Reggie Brown has a good year, he should be rolling. Reggie Brown is hurt most by Stallworth going to Philly.
D: Dawkins, June and Taylor lead a rejuvenated D in Milhaven. These guys have bust out potential for sure.

10. Burning Balls (5-9)
The Burning Balls made the playoffs last year despite the Philadelphia Eagles implosion. He is banking on Owens and Westbrook again which is a big gamble. The leader in racial slurs and spelling mistakes hopes to build on last season’s playoff run and return to the playoffs.
QB: Tom Brady is the perfect QB for any of Rob’s team. He is the pretty boy that Rob likes to bugger before games. He also picked up Vince Young for a little Salt N’ Pepper action
RB: The best thing about Brian Westbrook is that as he gets older he plays fewer and fewer games. Robbie loves 5’8” RBs who sjould be 3rd down specialists. The best thing about drafting Westbrook is finding a young stud to back him up, you know a guy like Fred Taylor. Fred Taylor goes down more than Rob on his 14 year old boyfriend.
WR: It must be fate that TO still factors into the eventual Balls demise. Every year Rob puts his gray matter in the cooler, much like TO. A match made in fantasy heaven. He does have that Houshmandzadeh fella and another injury prone all potential guy Braylon Edwards.
D: Rob has managed to assemble a D that looks just like him, old and white. Too bad it’s 2006 and not 1996 for Ron and his D.

Big LFL 2006 Preview

Here is part 1 of the Big LFL season preview. I hope to have parts 2 and 3 out before thanksgiving.

11. Seattle Tsunami (5-9)
Grant had a tough night during the draft. First, he ends up with the last pick because of the moronic Big Ell. Then Scotty fails to show up on time and he ends up with a shitty team and no Shithawks. Another playoff less year is coming.
QB: Grant thought he could win without Hasselbeck and now he has Big Ben and Brooks. With Big Ben’s accident and Aaron Brooks’ IQ the Tsunami QBs should have half a brain this year, combined. It looks like more good times for the Tsunami this year.
RB: Seattle could defy the odds and make the playoffs if his three running back keepers pan out. Willie Parker is speedy, Steven Jackson a workhorse and Deuce is an injury prone platoon back on a weak team. He does have Samkon Gado who could be a sleeper once Favre takes the fork out of Ahman Green’s back.
WR/TE: Grant has some talent at WR. Hines Ward is a fantasy stud and Santana Moss is capable of a huge year but they usually occur in odd numbered years. Stokley and Curtis are interesting in that they are white WRs but they will never be mistaken for Steve Largent or Brian Kelly for that matter.
D: It will be interesting to see how the Tsunami defense reacts without their catalyst Dwight Freeney. Uhrlacher is the key and he always may need Porter to run back INTs for TDs each week.

12. Holy Rollers (4-10)
The Rollers lost the 2nd pick because of Big Ell’s ineptitude. That didn’t stop him from working hard to pick another non-playoff team. The wave never makes it past the 20 yard line in Unsworth Stadium. Jay also really likes kickers taking Rackers not realizing that the Cards may not have to settle for many 50-yard field goals this year.
QB: The Drew Bledsoe era appears to be over for Jay with Matt ‘Hair Club For Men,’ Hasselbeck taking over. The Tsunami never made the playoffs with Matt and that should continue with the Rollers. I should have left him with Collins.
RB: LJ LJ LJ LJ LJ LJ!!!! LJ was a sweet pick last year and should continue to pay dividends this year. Bell may put up big yards without any TDs. If White is this years LJ I may actually quit this league or I might be forced to stop masturbating.
WR/TE: Jay loves old WRs so he picked up Rod Smith and sought Muhsin Muhammed’s return. Clayton is young and has potential but Stevans is hurt and couldn’t catch herpes in the Cecil Hotel bathroom. Nate Burleson was a keeper, to bad it was last year and by Milhaven.
D: The Rollers have a nice D. Merriman could be a stud and Freeney was a great late round pick, the Tsunami are still pissed.

13. Ricky Williams’ (3-11)
Oh how the once mighty have fallen in the Big LFL. Stu parlayed the Ricky Williams’ dope sabbatical into an improbable title run two years ago. With a backfield of Willis McGahee, Domanick Davis, Rudi Johnson and Tiki Barber, quarterbacked by Daunte Culpepper he looked to be set for years to come. Two years later McGahee plays on a terrible Bills team, Culpepper has Steve Austin’s knee and Davis appears to be out for the year. Johnson and Barber both look like 1000 yard backs and Stu can’t stop throwing up in his mouth.
QB: If only Stu had listened years ago. Cursed with Daunte, Ricky rode Brees to a title. He had Brees again last year and almost survived the Culpepper Hall of Fame Fantasy meltdown to make the playoffs. There may be hope if he rides Brees again, cuz everyone knows Stu likes riding.
RB: If he had kept Tiki and Rudi, Stu would be very happy and able to dish smack on Craig his mortal enemy. There is still hope if McGahee can realize pre knee injury potential and Addai takes over with panache in Indy. Not likely the last laugh will be with Craig this year.
WR/TE: Miller looks like he is going to have a breakout year. That is good news for Stu, Burress and Glenn at the wide out position spell doom. He must be thanking his lucky stars that he has Antonio Bryant, Mr. Missed Potenial.
D: Stu has a solid defense. The bad thing is that most teams do. Donnie Edwards needs to come up HUGE again.

14. The Deadenders (2-12)
Big Ell changed the team name from Stampeders to Typhoons hoping to muster the power of a Typhoon to draft a winning team. Then he changed to a name more reflective of his team’s true potential, the Deadenders. Must punters point to poor drafting as the leading cause of Big Ell’s upcoming poor LFL season.
QB: Jake the Caroline via New Orleans garter snake Delhomme needs to put up big numbers or the David Carr era begins. David Carr fucking sucks and he is still on my team for fuck all. Hey, Shane do you still think Carr is a potential super-duper star.
RB: Keeping Julius Jones and drafting Corey 'Fantsay Killin' Dillon leads to the inevitable question, what the fuck was I thinking? Two players that are fumble away from a platoon or worse a pinkie injury away from the IR. I also failed to pick up there back-ups which proves that I am a moron. All hope isn’t lost yet, Kevan Barlow is in a four player platoon on the league worst Jets.
WR: Roy Williams and Andre Johnson have the potential to be solid young point performers. They are also team capitains and a big part of the always hurt and never play hurt Big Ell Stars. Throw in Drew Bennett as the token cracker WR and Big Ell is set for years. Oh yeah I still have Shockey, he sure has brought this team glory for fuck all.
D: Keeping with the mixed tenses of this preview I managed to draft a decent defense. So I guess I have that going for me.

Big LFL Keepers 2006

Here are the Big LFL 2006 Keepers. This is also the draft order.

1. Milhaven Mutineers: Palmer QB-Cin, Harrison WR-Ind, K.Johnson WR-Car, Dawkins DB-Pha.
2. Holy Rollers: L. Johnson RB-KC, Bledsoe QB- DAL, Bell RB-DEN, Barber DB- TB
3. Rapid City Rage: Chambers WR-MIA, Wayne WR-IND, Foster RB-CAR, O. Thurman DL-CIN
4. Fightin' Phins: R. Johnson RB-CIN, R. Brown RB-MIA, C. Williams RB-TB, Tatupu LB-SEA
5. Taiwan Typhoons: J. Jones RB-DAL, J. Shockey TE-NYG, R. Williams WR-DET, D. Johnson LB-KC
6. Seattle Tsunami: S. Jackson RB-STL, W. Parker RB-PIT, McAllister RB-NO, Uhrlacher LB-CHI
7. Ricky Williams: McGahee RB-Buff, D. Davis RB-HOU, Culpepper QB-MIA, Do. Edwards LB-SD
8. I Love Bush: S. Smith- WR- CAR, C. Johnson WR-CIN, K. Jones RB-DET, M. Peterson LB-JAX
9. EZ Money: S. Alexander RB-SEA, C. Portis RB-WAS, R. Moss WR-OAK, Bullock LB-TEN
10. Burning Balls: T. Owens WR-DAL, B. Westbrooke RB-PHA, T. Brady QB-NE, A. Wilson DB- ARI
11. Newcastle Guzzlers: Tomlinson RB-SD, Vick QB-ATL, Holt WR-STL, Clements DB- BUF
12. Taiwan Mean Machines: McNabb QB-PHA, Gates TE-SD, Benson RB-CHI, Trotter LB-PHA
13. Hou Chang Giants: E. Manning QB-NYG, T. Barber RB-NYG, L. Jordan RB-OAK, Vilma LB-NYJ
14. Gerry Dattilio's: P. Manning QB-IND, Fitzgerald WR-ARI, James RB-ARI, Z. Thomas LB-MIA