11. Seattle Tsunami (5-9)Grant had a tough night during the draft. First, he ends up with the last pick because of the moronic Big Ell. Then Scotty fails to show up on time and he ends up with a shitty team and no Shithawks. Another playoff less year is coming.
QB: Grant thought he could win without Hasselbeck and now he has Big Ben and Brooks. With Big Ben’s accident and Aaron Brooks’ IQ the Tsunami QBs should have half a brain this year, combined. It looks like more good times for the Tsunami this year.
RB: Seattle could defy the odds and make the playoffs if his three running back keepers pan out. Willie Parker is speedy, Steven Jackson a workhorse and Deuce is an injury prone platoon back on a weak team. He does have Samkon Gado who could be a sleeper once Favre takes the fork out of Ahman Green’s back.
WR/TE: Grant has some talent at WR. Hines Ward is a fantasy stud and Santana Moss is capable of a huge year but they usually occur in odd numbered years. Stokley and Curtis are interesting in that they are white WRs but they will never be mistaken for Steve Largent or Brian Kelly for that matter.
D: It will be interesting to see how the Tsunami defense reacts without their catalyst Dwight Freeney. Uhrlacher is the key and he always may need Porter to run back INTs for TDs each week.
12. Holy Rollers (4-10)The Rollers lost the 2nd pick because of Big Ell’s ineptitude. That didn’t stop him from working hard to pick another non-playoff team. The wave never makes it past the 20 yard line in Unsworth Stadium. Jay also really likes kickers taking Rackers not realizing that the Cards may not have to settle for many 50-yard field goals this year.
QB: The Drew Bledsoe era appears to be over for Jay with Matt ‘Hair Club For Men,’ Hasselbeck taking over. The Tsunami never made the playoffs with Matt and that should continue with the Rollers. I should have left him with Collins.
RB: LJ LJ LJ LJ LJ LJ!!!! LJ was a sweet pick last year and should continue to pay dividends this year. Bell may put up big yards without any TDs. If White is this years LJ I may actually quit this league or I might be forced to stop masturbating.
WR/TE: Jay loves old WRs so he picked up Rod Smith and sought Muhsin Muhammed’s return. Clayton is young and has potential but Stevans is hurt and couldn’t catch herpes in the Cecil Hotel bathroom. Nate Burleson was a keeper, to bad it was last year and by Milhaven.
D: The Rollers have a nice D. Merriman could be a stud and Freeney was a great late round pick, the Tsunami are still pissed.
13. Ricky Williams’ (3-11)Oh how the once mighty have fallen in the Big LFL. Stu parlayed the Ricky Williams’ dope sabbatical into an improbable title run two years ago. With a backfield of Willis McGahee, Domanick Davis, Rudi Johnson and Tiki Barber, quarterbacked by Daunte Culpepper he looked to be set for years to come. Two years later McGahee plays on a terrible Bills team, Culpepper has Steve Austin’s knee and Davis appears to be out for the year. Johnson and Barber both look like 1000 yard backs and Stu can’t stop throwing up in his mouth.
QB: If only Stu had listened years ago. Cursed with Daunte, Ricky rode Brees to a title. He had Brees again last year and almost survived the Culpepper Hall of Fame Fantasy meltdown to make the playoffs. There may be hope if he rides Brees again, cuz everyone knows Stu likes riding.
RB: If he had kept Tiki and Rudi, Stu would be very happy and able to dish smack on Craig his mortal enemy. There is still hope if McGahee can realize pre knee injury potential and Addai takes over with panache in Indy. Not likely the last laugh will be with Craig this year.
WR/TE: Miller looks like he is going to have a breakout year. That is good news for Stu, Burress and Glenn at the wide out position spell doom. He must be thanking his lucky stars that he has Antonio Bryant, Mr. Missed Potenial.
D: Stu has a solid defense. The bad thing is that most teams do. Donnie Edwards needs to come up HUGE again.
14. The Deadenders (2-12)Big Ell changed the team name from Stampeders to Typhoons hoping to muster the power of a Typhoon to draft a winning team. Then he changed to a name more reflective of his team’s true potential, the Deadenders. Must punters point to poor drafting as the leading cause of Big Ell’s upcoming poor LFL season.
QB: Jake the Caroline via New Orleans garter snake Delhomme needs to put up big numbers or the David Carr era begins. David Carr fucking sucks and he is still on my team for fuck all. Hey, Shane do you still think Carr is a potential super-duper star.
RB: Keeping Julius Jones and drafting Corey 'Fantsay Killin' Dillon leads to the inevitable question, what the fuck was I thinking? Two players that are fumble away from a platoon or worse a pinkie injury away from the IR. I also failed to pick up there back-ups which proves that I am a moron. All hope isn’t lost yet, Kevan Barlow is in a four player platoon on the league worst Jets.
WR: Roy Williams and Andre Johnson have the potential to be solid young point performers. They are also team capitains and a big part of the always hurt and never play hurt Big Ell Stars. Throw in Drew Bennett as the token cracker WR and Big Ell is set for years. Oh yeah I still have Shockey, he sure has brought this team glory for fuck all.
D: Keeping with the mixed tenses of this preview I managed to draft a decent defense. So I guess I have that going for me.
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