LFL Season Preview

Playoff Dreamers

The Big LFL is the toughest fantasy football league of every fantasy football league int he world. All of the teams have talent and people usually draft well. This group of teams has talent but will need a lot of help and luck to make the playoffs.

The teams in this group most resemble the 1988 Pittsburgh Steelers. This Steelers team ended up 5-11 and had one pro bowler uber G Tunch Ilkin. This team was led by FB Merril Hoge (705 yds rushing 4.1 avg 3 tds 487 yds rec 3 tds) and Louis Lipps (50 rec 973 yds 19.5 avg 5 tds). Unfortunately for Steeler fans they also had Bubby Brister (47.3 pct 2634 yds 7.1 avg 11 tds 14 ints) and #2 receiver Dwight Stone (11 catches 196 yds 17.8 avg 1 td). This Steeler team also played with heavy hearts as Art Rooney died that year.So they have an excuse for their uncharacteristic disappointing season.

11. The Burning Balls

The Balls have talent but owner Rob G. may have done himself in by trying to multi-task during the draft. He is only able to multi task while surfing porn and watching porn. This team has talent and could make the playoffs but any team with three Raiders is doomed. Rob is also afraid of the waiver wire so he will have trouble bolstering his team. Rumor has it he is very busy molding minds which is much scarier than it sounds.

QB: Tom Brady will put up big numbers, he always does. He also takes after his coach and fathered an illegitimate child. Rob, it is 2:00 am do you know where all your kids are? He also managed to pick up Alex Smith who is a nice pick.

RB: The Balls have decided to go with a RB by committee approach in 2007. Westbrook is a player and he wisely picked up his handcuff Tony Hunt. He also managed to pick up Julius “I hate short yardage” Jones and Lamont “I done got paid” Jordan. He even managed to draft the wrong Adrian Peterson. The residents of Rosscarrock are rejoicing with Jim Jones as we speak.

WR: The Balls have a great WRs with TO and Roy Williams. He also picked up Jerry Porter who may actually play this year. Vernon Davis is also looking for a break out year. The Balls may need to pick up some other guys once Williams gets hurt, Owens goes nuts and Porter goes awol.

D: The Balls have a nice defense lead by Adrian Wilson, one of the top fantasy DBs. He also has Varbel, Woodson and Morrison to get much needed points. If someone sees Rob please ask him about has fascination with Marc Simoneau who is 30 and hasn’t had 100 tackles in four years.

12. Weekend at Benoit’s

The cripplers should be ranked higher but this franchise is run by Elliott Ulrich. There may be hope in 2007 with a strengthened team and he even appears to have some keepers. With a little luck he could move out of the shit house and into the playoffs but that probably won’t happen this team usually loses big and hopes for bad weeks by other teams in order to win.

QB: The QB position is a traditional weakness for any of Elliott’s teams. Trent Green, Jake Delhomme and David Carr have all been starting QBs over the past few years which explains the scars on Big Ell's wrists. This year shouldn’t be any different with Jon Kitna behind center. He throws tons of interceptions and is on a bad team; which is typical for Benoit.

RB: Weekend at Benoit’s has revamped their running game again. The Julius Jones era is over and Travis Henry and MJD look to score some points. The problem is that Henry is already hurt and he failed to get MJD’s handcuff Fred Taylor. Elliott also benefited by picking Maroney in the draft but he is also trying to get back after shoulder injuries. He also drafted Warrick Dunn not realizing that he was 33 and is coming off post season back surgery. Ell needs to get himself a bible and a weight room.

WR: Big Ell managed to add some terrible receivers to the perennial underachieving Andre Johnson. Terry Glenn is old and hurt much like Isaac Bruce was before and almost every one of his receivers in years past. Henderson may do well but is unproven and teammate Eric Johnson had a big 26 fantasy points last year. Owner Elliott was seen reaching for the rat poison.

D: The Big Ell D looks tough but most teams have tough defenses in the LFL. Briggs, Hawk, Tatupu, Farrior and Jones should all get some points but will it be enough for this never proud franchise.

13. The Holy Rollers

The Rollers are still smarting from Big Ell’s fuckups of 2006. Staying true to form owner Jay Unsworth decided to fuck himself in 2007. Keeping two QBs is riskier than licking toys made in China. It was tough to put the Rollers this low because they do have potential but his team is managed by Jay.

QB: Tony Romo and Matt Hasselbeck are both solid fantasy performers. They should put up decent numbers. The question is, why keep both of them? Why not roll the dice and draft one of them in the 10th or 11th round and try to trade for a real keeper? These are questions that never dawned on owner Jay Unswoth. Which is why he may end up near the cellar again.

RB: LJ keeps this team in the playoff hunt. He puts up huge numbers and is a fantasy beast. He should still produce even with his pre-season holdout. Jay must be worried that Herm Edwards will turn LJ into the 21st century version of Earl Campbell. The Rollers did look to the future by drafting Marshawn Lynch who may not have a huge year but should be great in the future. He also took a risk picking Turner so high but will be smiling if LTD gets hurt. Oh yeah and by the way Mike Anderson sucks but you can take his 20 fantasy points to the bank.

WR: Normally the Rollers like old receivers with zero upside. Now they are drafting possession guys with no wheels so change comes slow in Glenmorgan. Branch, Brown and Curry put the fear into no one except Jay. LJ Smith is a nice TE and gets decent points from time to time. With Brown and Smith, the Rollers hope Mcnabb is back.

D: Ronde Barber is a fantasy stud; unlike his twin Tiki the pussy. Jay also took a few gambles with Thomas Howard, Donte Whitner and Angelo Crowell. Gambling on 75% of your defense is never good. Call Jay and ask who these guys are because I nobody else does.